Posts tagged #I am

New year resolutions a little late

There are so many posts that I started this past month that I never finished, or by the time it was I didn't feel as excited about it. It has been so busy.

December was busy and the Holiday's were pleasent.

The start of January I tried Martha Stewart's Action Plan and lasted 4 days. The light food based detox took all of my energy away from me. I decided to come up with my own plan that I felt was obtainable. This year I am really serious about my resolutions and have thought out long and hard about what they are. I'm committed to improving! I'm exhausted with the job hunt and the constant rejection of the business world. I think I'm gonna try something different.

My new year resolutions...
Lose 55 pounds (5 pounds per month)... so far I have lost 4 this month!!!

Be much more organized and on time with house duties... On Jan. 2nd I went through the entire house, cleaned and organized. I got rid of so much clutter and a massive pile for donations!

Give more then I recieve... the donations

Be more confident and assertive with myself. I am capable! I've already improved on this one!! Woo Hoo!

Focus on activities that make me happy, crafting!

Be more Eco and earth friendly on a daily basis.

It's a pretty long list, but I've been working on implementing all of them on a daily basis.
I think this year will be my year!
Posted on January 20, 2011 .

Taking a Moment

"A happy family is but an earlier heaven."
~ John Bowring
So, today I called off of work. Shhh, don't tell them...

I feel like I have been putting in so many hours at work and at home, that I wanted to take a moment and indulge a little bit. So I did. I went to a beauty facial party with my friends and their kids, and had a blast. I miss hanging out with friends, and that's why I did it. Every now and then we need a "mental health day", right? I haven't taken one in so long, and my attendance record is almost spotless, so I figured "why not?".

I think, it is important, as mom's, that we take some time, now and again, for ourselves. It helps us recharge our batteries, and brings us back to reality. We are more then just a mom. I think we all tend to lose a part of ourselves when we become a mother, don't get me wrong, we also gain a lot. It's okay to admit this though, and remind ourselves that we are an amazing woman!

Last night, I was also able to enjoy a moment of what life was like pre-family. Luis, Bella and I met some of my friends at a end of the summer mini fest... There was live bands, food and yes, beer! This is something I could not do when Bella was first born, but now that she is a little older, she was able to enjoy it just as much as mommy did! She was my little dancing queen swaying and bobbing to the beats. I was able to enjoy a beautiful evening outside, listening to live music and enjoying a beer! Ahhh it felt so good!

The best part is that I was able to do these things with my daughter right next to me. I am very grateful for this amazing weekend and for my wonderful family. Thank you, to whoever out there :), allowed me to experience this!
Posted on September 12, 2010 .

What is your cause?

The day after Bella came into our lives we found out that she had several congenital heart defects. She was then taken from our side, and rushed, by air vac, to another hospital. I can't tell you how I felt that night in the hospital with out my baby. The only thing I can really remember is telling myself "what did I do wrong?" "What could I have done differently?" "This is all my fault!"

Seven days after she was born, Bella had heart surgery to repair one of the defects. Coarctation of the aorta is the name of one of the defects, and what her surgery was repairing. In addition to the coarctation, she also had VSD, and a bicuspid aorta (which causes aortic stenosis). The surgery actual only lasted half the time that they had prepared us for. Her recovery was great, and she was able to come home a week later.

I was very isolated the following months after her surgery. I was only focused on one thing, and that was Bella. I didn't pick up the phone when friends would call, and I avoided family from seeing her. I was depressed. I'll admit it... I had postpartum depression, and didn't want to talk to anyone. I blamed myself for everything.

Since then we've had constant routine visits to the cardiologist. She will forever have to do this, as these issues can and will affect her the rest of her life. There may be future surgeries, its hard to tell when and for what.

Bella is one of the strongest, and toughest babies I have ever met. I remember seeing her in the pediatric ICU, with all those IVs and wires hooked up to her. I tried to be so strong then, but those visions still haunt me. There must have been a hundred different tubes, I didn't even know where they all could go. Even now it doesn't seem like pain effects her very much. The hardest and toughest falls cause only minimal cries. I look into her eyes and I see a fighter.

I can't help but still hold myself accountable in someway for my child's heart. I didn't plan for her. and I didn't even know I was pregnant till much later. My nutrition was poor and I smoked and drank. Anyone of these can be a factor, or none at all, but I will never know.

I know that God brought her into my life. and blessed me. There is a reason for everything... especially for her heart. I don't know why yet, and I may never know, but I'm thankful regardless. I truly believe that God only challenges us with what we are capable of handling. He's thrown a lot at me these past couple years.

Everyone should have a cause that they are passionate about, that moves them to do more. If everyone on this earth had a cause like this, I wonder how much nicer this place would be? If we gave just a little more time, money, energy, voice... could we... cure aids, cancer, world hunger, homelessness, terrorism, hate? The list goes on. Everyone has got to feel strongly about something?

I am a mother to a child with a Congenital Heart Disease. This is a big part of who I am. In a way, it does define me. I'm not like all the other mothers, who have children that are healthy. I'm put into that category. This has changed me in so many ways, and has set me apart from other parents. I have changed my ways and opinions of parenting, and life in general. As much as we try not to categorize, or define people by the outsides... we still do and for good reasons, because a large percentage of the time it's true.

Because of this, I have decided to reach out to other parents who have dealt with this same thing. My cause is to support all the families out there that are affected with CHD. It's the most common birth defect.

What is your cause?
Posted on September 2, 2010 .

I AM... On my way...

"Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I'm not perfect
-and I don't live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers...
make sure you hands are clean!"
— Bob Marley

Who am I?
I've reach my breaking point in life. I'm constantly surrounded by idealistic people who continue to remind me what I'm not doing right. As if there was only one way of life, one way to live and everything else is unacceptable. Whatever happened to doing the best you can. If I haven't proven it yet I want to tell you...

I'm not a traditional, cookie cutter, susie homemaker type of woman.

I've always nodded my head to a different beat even before I became a mother and wife. I got pregnant before I was married just like many other women but because its not exemplary I endured much pain and dissapointment from the reactions of people around me. I decided I would accomodate these opinions and conform. I got married and have tried my best to put on the image of suburban upperclass. I've realized no matter how hard I try I will never make them accepting of who I am. So why suffer when I'm not satisfied with it?

My challenge of this all is figuring out who I am now that I've stripped everything else away....

I am...
I am on my way.....
Posted on August 20, 2010 .